Supermarket Etiquette

Nobody likes shopping in supermarkets. Customers are there because it's the only shopping method available (online not being option for most people). Most of the staff are there, not because they are temperamentally suited to the service industry, but because they need the money. The least we can all do is share a few simple rules to make shopping as painless as possible:

- Have a bit of thought for the rest of the world. If you're older, shop mid-morning or mid-afternoon to avoid the lunch and teatime rush when people get off work. When the shop's quieter, there might be time to exchange a few nice words with the check-out staff. Ask them when they finish - if it's not for hours, sympathise. Hope they'll be kept busy - time passes faster if you're busy.

If you're younger but in a hurry, try planning better. Do you really need to be buying tonight's tea tonight? Or feel free to use the self-service aisle. The rest of us hate it.

Do you really have to go out shopping mob-handed? The supermarket isn't a family outing - surely you can do more interesting things than this with your kids? If there are two adults and you have to go out shopping together, let one take the kids to the cafe for coke and crisps while the other shops. If one of your kids starts screaming the place down, stop shopping and pay attention to the kid, ffs. They're your first responsibility, not the corn flakes.

- In the car park, try to avoid people pushing trolleys. You could slow down to the 10mph suggested on the warning sign - or even stop to let them cross the road. In fact, painted lines on the road mean you have to stop. You may not intend to hit us, but some of us slower-moving folk (oldies, people with small children, folk pushing wheelchairs, staff pushing long lines of trolleys) are a wee bit worried at how fast you drive.

- If you're being served at the deli counter or the fish bit, say 'Please' and 'Thank you' to the serving staff. They have a thankless job, are on their feet all day and have to dress up in ridiculous hats, so the least we can do is appreciate the service. Oh, and teach your weans to use these words as well. There's enough grabbing and grunting going on in the world as it is. It's a bonus if the serving staff can say 'Thank you' back. Saying 'Cheerio' to each other is nice. Try it.

- Try to avoid abandoning your trolley across the aisle, making it hard for other people to get by with theirs.

- If you dunt someone in the back with your basket - or run over their feet with your trolley - say 'Sorry'. Just the same as you would if you bumped into them in the street. It's only one word. Doesn't cost anything. Doesn't cease to exist just because you're in a shop.

- If someone is looking closely at stuff on a shelf that you want to get to, either wait or say 'Excuse me.' Do not push in and grab. These are two other wee words that are not used enough in shops.

- At the checkout, if you can see the pin number the person in front of you is keying in, you're too damn close. Back off a step or two.

- If you're a member of staff, smile. They do it in M&S and Whole Foods and Waitrose. It's quite often what brings customers back and keeps you in a job. If a customer asks a question and you don't know the answer, don't say: 'I don't know.' Say 'I don't know but we can find out' and hand them over to customer services.

- Finally, let's remember shops will be busy at Xmas and New Year. It's also worth while reminding ourselves the shops are only shut for a day at these times. Shop early: don't turn up at Asda in Govan at midnight on Xmas Eve expecting to pick yourself up a turkey and a few last minute prezzies. Supermarket staff also have families who would like to see them.

I'd say happy shopping but I'd be lying. Tolerable shopping might be as much as we can hope for.