Marriage? Hello or just hell?

Paul Simon and his missus got lifted by the polis in Connecticut at the weekend:

Apparently, they had a bit of a tiff and both ended up being arrested. It was a 'rare argument' - not rare in the Glasgow sense of a rerr terr - but something that doesn't happen often. It is, even now, being smoothed over. The cynic in me says: look at this photo - he's 72 and she's 47. He needs someone to look after him and she needs an income. It's a marriage made in heaven, no?

I don't understand about marriage and married people. I've sat frozen in horror as couples with a 40 year shared history tore into each other in a restaurant - in public, ken, unaware of the audience watching and listening as they cursed each other out. And I have been put off dinner parties for life after listening to drunks relating how awful their marriages are: no sex any more, s/he snores, we lead separate lives, etc. It's car crash stuff. Worse even: I can't take sides in these situations. I can only either keep quiet or get up and leave. Worst of all are the end of marriage chats: I stuck it for 37 years, had a nice house/car/holidays, saw the kids settled and now I cannot stand so much as one day more with him/her.

Really? And you think someone like me is going to be sympathetic? So for decades I've been hearing how your lifestyle is normal and wonderful: hetero couple, house, 2 kids, 2 jobs (so 2 wages) and I'm the one who is out of step because I'm single and have looked after me since I was 16, but now you're planning to join me here in single-land and stand on your own two feet, possibly for the first time in your life, live alone, maybe even earn your living and you want me to feel some kind of empathy, maybe even look after you a wee bit?

What I really want to say is this is a first world problem. There's a plane still missing in the southern ocean and families who still haven't found their kids in a ferry disaster. Five families have lost their nearest and dearest in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan.

A wee bit more important maybe.

Hello - can you hear me?

I have a Royal Bank credit card. The balance on it this month is £2. I'll repeat that, for the sake of all those working stiffs out there who wonder if they will ever be free of credit card debt: £2. It can be done. You just have to wait till retirement. O wait, most of you still working will never get to retirement...In fact, the balance would be zero but the b******s at Lovefilm/Amazon took money off me after I had cancelled my membership. I've written to RBS twice already telling them of my change of address but as usual customer 'service' has failed to operate, so today I phoned. This is why I hate call centres.

I went through the usual stuff: card number followed by the security question: second letter of my mother's maiden name. I can't remember if I spelled her name McDonald or MacDonald. But I got away with it this time. Then I was asked for the expiry date on the card. Problem: I'm upstairs with the statement and the card is downstairs. I decide to hang on in hopes that I'll be switched through to an operator. It works. We start again: I explain I only want to change the address on my statement but we start all over: name, first line of my address, nope that's not the address we have here, that's why I'm phoning. Let me ask you a couple of security questions: card number, expiry date, 3 letter code on the back, and do I know the balance on the card? Nope, I know nothing after the card number but if you insist I'll take the phone downstairs and get the card out of my bag. On my way downstairs, I ask: why on earth do you need to know all this? Security, he says. You ask 6 questions for security? 6? Really? Why? But he can't tell me. He only works here.

I shouldn't be surprised - any more than I was surprised to hear earlier today that my call to Santander was to be charged at 10p a minute. The announcement by Santander telling me this probably takes about 3 minutes. Nice profit, guys. This morning I wanted to change the payment date on a car from the 1st to the 16th of the month. To do that I had to have: the agreement number, the make and model and registration number of the car. And can I tell the nice lady at Santander how much this car costs every month? And also how it is paid? I ask why on earth they need to know all this. Security.

Somebody is having a laugh here. If I agree a code word with the RBS credit card centre and answer correctly, there is absolutely no reason for all these extra questions. If I have the agreement number and details of the car I'm phoning about - likewise. So what is this about? It can't just be about making money from phone calls - and it's definitely not about security.

Maybe it's just about p***ing customers off.

Hello, insomnia, my old friend!

It's 4.30am - make that 5am - and I am still awake. I've been up and about since 8.30am because The Owner and his gardener were coming by at 11 to decide how to sort out the back garden. That's how it works: when I don't need to be awake early I am. (On Wednesday the HEAPS group are going to Glasgow Cathedral and I have to be ready by 10.30 - and I bet I sleep in. Sorry in advance, Joan - my lift.) I kept myself going all day after that: ran some errands, did the ironing gawd help us, watched a couple of fairly boring TV recordings - all in the hope of making myself tired enough to sleep tonight. And here I am. I have at least one friend who has even worse insomnia than me - and all I can say is: Muriel, this is shite.

You, dear friends, may be sick of hearing about my insomnia but you're not half as sick of it as I am. After all, for me, this has been going on for 30 years.

No, I don't know why every few months I don't sleep more than a couple of hours in every 24. Or why every few years there's a period when I just don't sleep at all. And yes, I have tried every known remedy. Yesterday someone told me to try Nitol or maybe a herbal remedy. Really? I'd never have thought of that. I have tried beta blockers and anti-depressants and I kinda think if they don't work...

Is it when the clocks go forward? Or back? Don't think so. Is there something on my mind? What mind you may ask and you'd be right. I haven't worried about a damn thing since I retired 6 years ago. The family are all grown up and doing fine so no worries there. I live in a nice place I can afford with nice neighbours. My time is used properly with a bit of volunteering, a lot of reading (what I most wanted when I was working was time to read) and time with family and friends. At the moment, the sun is shining. What more does anyone need?

As they used to say on the telly, answers on a postcard...Meanwhile, my morning paper will be delivered in about 2 hours from now. Maybe I'll just stay up for that.

Trending in Glasgow

I've started noticing a few fashion trends on the streets of Glasgow. These are not trends I'm likely to be copying any day soon.

I think the wearers of these trousers want us to think: I'm edgy and mean and probably a drug dealer from downtown Philly. What they suggest to me: I have no arse and I'm so poor I can't even afford a pair of £4 Matalan jeans. I also own a belt and don't know what it's for. 

He wants us to think: I have so much hair, I have to wear a beanie to contain it all. I really think: you look like a dick. Next worst thing to a beanie: white kids with dreadlocks. Wrong. No style. No class. Just wrong. You wear your dreadlocks tucked up inside your beanie? You look like a watermelon wearing a hat. 

What to say about tattoos? In fact, I think you can all have as many tattoos as you like. It's a free country. Just don't go on Facebook complaining that people like me don't like them and are prepared to say so. It's not that we're fuddy-duddies and spoilsports. Well, we are, but that's not what this is about. It's a free country as already stated and your tattoos gross us out. Especially the ones where you get your own name tattooed on your arm or leg. What, you're practising for when you'll have Alzheimer's and won't know who you are? 

And couldn't you try being something more original than some pretend Landan gangsta who is himself imitating some pretend LA gangsta? Maybe you need to reassess what 'cool' really means. 

Maybe it's time we all grew up

When I heard Lord Robertson at the tail end of 2013 telling us Scotland couldn't be independent because we lack a language and a culture that make us distinctive, I thought: finally, we've hit the bottom of the pit. We can stop digging: the stupidest comment has been made and by a man whose title is "of Port Ellen." That's Port Ellen on the island of Islay, where they speak the Gaelic language and have a wee bit of culture. 

But of course I underestimated how thick humans can be, because then we got Miley Cyrus, the twerking queen, telling us: "No way. I love England as it is, especially Edinburgh, that's my favourite place in England. They totally shouldn't break that shit up."

And then we got David Bowie commenting at the Brit awards or rather, his mouthpiece commenting because he couldn't even be arsed to turn up: "Scotland, stay with us."

And Kermit the Frog waded in...

 and Eddie Izzard added his tuppensworth.

Eddie is now apparently worried he'll lose fans in Scotland after having his say. Worry not, Eddie: you haven't that many fans and most of us in Scotland would likely pay more attention to Kermit than we would to you. 

And then - no show without Punch - George Robertson came back and warned us that Scotland leaving the union would have a catclysmic effect on western civilisation.

Cataclysmic: now that's a word I've only ever heard used when describing volcanoes.

Which brings me to my point - and no before time, I hear you say. I've singled out the Better Together mouthpieces above because they're funny but both Yes and Better Together are guilty of trotting out celebs, redundant politicians and rent-a-mouth personalities to give us their view on Scottish independence. My own view is I don't care if Shir Sean is for independence. Or Irvine Welsh for that matter. Neither of them lives here or is likely to move here and pay a penny in taxes if independence comes about. Nor are the people above of any importance in the debate, although I love opening my paper of a morning to see who's the next one to get their views aired: The Chuckle Brothers maybe? 

The people who really matter are those of us who live here and will vote in September. Particularly young people and especially young women. It seems the first group are not engaged in this debate and the second group are not prepared to commit themselves one way or the other. But they are the very people who will have to make independence work if it comes and, if it doesn't, they will have to make some sort of accommodation with the Westminster Parliament and the UK political parties to get a working relationship going between Edinburgh and London. And some negotiation will be needed, because either way: nothing will ever be the same again. 

Who needs supermarkets?

I get a delivery from Tesco every month these days. I used to get groceries delivered by them more often, but it got so that the range of foods at Sainsbury, Whole Foods and Lidl was better - and I have the time to shop around in my retirement so I now go to the shops two or three times a week. I buy fresh fruit and veg from Whole Foods, not to mention treats like linguine with tomatoes and pesto, mac n cheese, frozen teriyaki tofu, avocados, mango and strawberry salad, ratatouille (though it is sadly lacking in onion, garlic and salt) and the occasional tub of soup. At Lidl I buy wine, baked goods and whatever veg and cold meat (usually Polish - which I love) they have on offer.

I should also say I buy clothes in Asda. Nothing would persuade me to buy food there - cheap n nasty are the words that spring to mind.

None of the supermarkets sell food in manageable quantities: it's all bogofs, which fill up my fridge and freezer but leave very little room for anything else. The problem is supermarkets haven't really adapted to the idea of the one person household. I hear all these crap ads on TV telling me 'it's all about you - it's all about you' and I just know that's a lie. Choice? How is there a choice when you're limited by what supermarkets dominate your local area? By how far you can travel? By the fact that they operate as a cartel, with the same prices being paid for every item in the shops. Whatever you call this it's not 'competition'.

I try in my small way to change supermarkets: they do regular surveys through polls run by agencies like Populus and I always mention how discontented I am with my local supermarkets. As far as I can see, the whole aim of supermarkets is to to keep increasing their profits for the shareholders year
on year. Common sense tells you that can't happen: you can squeeze wages, reduce food prices paid to suppliers and cut the range of food you offer but what you end up with is a poorer service that your customers won't like. If anyone has proved that it's Tesco. Mind you, M&S and the Coop are not far
behind.

Maybe it's time for supermarkets to accept that they just supply food.  Let's have a service. They don't need self-serve check outs - FFS, have you seen the queues? Forget the dry-cleaners, the shoe repair shops and the computer salespeople. They need decent fresh food. Quality meat and fish - in Scotland, that means Scotch lamb and beef and fish and shellfish straight from the sea. I honestly think we could live without exotic fruit out of season if we could just get the basics right.

Maybe our supermarkets need to accept that US ideas on how to run a business are fine but they involve a population of 300 million, whereas the population of these islands is 60+ million - and the way we do business has to be different.

Yes, she should resign

Do I think Maria Miller should resign? Frankly, I think that's the least she should do.

She has abused the expenses system.

She has tried to avoid accounting for her actions.

If her apology to the House of Commons is anything to go by, she has failed to take the matter seriously.

Then there's the matter of the missing 50k. Did she in effect defraud the taxpayer?

I don't know.

I do know that very, very few MPs have ever defrauded the public purse. But a lot of the public now take it for granted that 'they're all at it.' That's a bad view of politicians to have circulating in the country. Many MPs, I'm sure, come into politics to do their best for their community and find themselves tainted by the few among them involved in expenses fiddles.

This is bad news for democracy. Who in their right mind would sign up for parliament now, knowing how much the public despise them? And are we, the voters, not slightly suspicious of people who do come forward as candidates these days?

Maria Miller's a Tory. The MPs who have gone to jail for expenses fraud in recent years have been Labour people. Does being a Tory, a cabinet minister and one of very few women in the cabinet mean she gets special protection? She needs to be investigated by the police and charges brought if appropriate.

I could see the point if this was the first time this kind of incident has happened, but we've had years of this now.

One of the problems with the Westminster parliament is that MPs are mainly pretty far away from their voters for most of the year. Are they always aware of what we out here think of them? Or do they only hear good news from those who work from them? (This was at one time a problem with headteachers of secondary schools: they stayed in their offices attending to paperwork. It was only when they got out into corridors and classrooms that school management improved.) MPs also work in a terrific club, with every kind of facility laid on, intended to make sure they can focus on the job in hand. (Who was the Man in the White Suit - Martin - somebody who opposed a sitting MP Neil Hamilton and won? He swore he was only in parliament for a term but loved the clubbish atmosphere so much it was hard to get him to stand down.)

We need to change the expenses system altogether, so that politicians have no say in how their expenses are allocated. Setting up an independent agency for this would leave no opportunity for the nod and wink stuff that has clearly gone on in the past.

To be fair, there was a time - up to the 90s maybe - when major money was to be made on expenses in the public sector. But then HMRC looked into it all and suddenly there was gey little room for manoeuvre. Maybe they need to have another look at parliament.

And while I'm on the subject of special protection: if I work in a school and a child or a member of staff discloses they have been abused, I have a duty of care to contact law enforcement and other agencies such as social work. But if an intern in parliament (no salary - no clout) claims he has been raped by an MP, no action needs to be taken - not even encouragement for the victim to go to the police, as far as I can see. There's parliamentary privilege, folks, and then there's abuse of power.