When I was working for a local council (till 4 years ago), one of the best bits of my job was to send lucky people - students, teachers - to exciting places on international study visits. Some went off to China. Others went to Singapore, Canada, the US or Oz. I raised the cash for their visits but myself tended not to go too far from my desk. Well, somebody had to take the calls from people who'd got to Madrid but whose luggage was still at Heathrow.
Many of the trips I did make for work were full of suspense. Is this the day I'll fly to Islay, circle in the Islay Mist for an hour and then fly right back? Is this when we get to Inverness to find our Stornoway connection is stuck in Orkney? If I manage to get to Tiree, will we be diverted on the way back and end up at Prestwick instead of Glasgow? Not a problem, except my car was always at Glasgow.
But train journeys were the worst. I took the train between Glasgow and Edinburgh more often than was good for my nerves. Trains cancelled while you're sitting on them. Coos on the line at Linlithgow. A drunk on the line threatening to throw herself under your train outside Polmont - probably a passenger pushed beyond endurance. Or the Glasgow train is on another platform at Waverley and leaves in two minutes and there are 200 of you waiting to board.
Worst of all were train journeys south of the border. If you ever have a few hours to kill, try booking yourself a return ticket to Barnsley from Glasgow. This is when you discover that the UK has the worst rail system in the whole of western Europe. You'll certainly need to make 3 changes - maybe even 4 - in each direction. You may want to travel on a Tuesday for a Wednesday meeting returning that evening. (It was usually union business I was on and I didn't like to push my luck with the boss). The chances are you'll arrive at your destination in time to turn around and come straight back. All the stations you change at will be manky and badly signposted. Staff will be hard to find. You've probably got about 12 minutes between changes 2 and 3 - and if you miss that, you might as well go home now - if you can get on a train. Once you're on the train, all the seats will be pre-booked but empty. Have these folk decided not to travel? Gawd knows, who could blame them? Or is this some scam by the 'train operator' to persuade the rail regulator the trains are full?
And on my TV this evening there is Richard Branson. He wants to run the trains - yes, the trains I think from my experience are a total fkn shambles. So what's in it for Branson? Well, this is the west coast line, the busiest rail line in the UK. Plus, he stands to gain the billions you and I donate to train companies through our taxes every year, of course, as well as the cash we contribute via our tickets. Plus, he's a man who doesn't like not getting his own way. He has bid in competition with another company for the westcoast line - and has lost. But let's not give up on the idea of competitive tendering: let's allow Branson and his rivals to bid for this contract again, but this time they have to agree to targets set by passengers: trains will run on time, seats will be available on those trains, ticket prices will rise no more than the rate of inflation, stations will be comfortable and welcoming. And if they fail to meet the targets? We set up stocks in all mainline stations and let passengers throw eggs and tomatoes at the contractors. I think that's fair - about as fair as the way the trains are currently operating.
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