Hello! (Be warned - major rant)

The woman in front of me and the guy on my left at the traffic lights a few minutes ago were both holding mobile phones to their ears and chatting away, not bothered that the police station is about 50 metres from the lights and there were two police officers waiting at the lights to cross towards it. Why did I not leap out of my car, point dramatically and shout to the cops: 'Here, look over here - they are both breaking the law!' Well, frankly, it's because I'm a coward. People don't take it well if you try and grass them up. In fact, I've decided there are people who believe human behaviour is not what's right or what's fair but whatever they can get away with - and they'll use violence to defend their right to do what they like if they have to. I do sometimes give children 'the look' (the teacher look, that is) and that tends to work up to about the early teens. After that, I worry about getting knifed.

Mobile phones are the bane of everyone's life in the UK and the US. I'm convinced people are more enslaved by phones in these two countries than anywhere else in the world. I once tried in a cafe counting how many people in the room were on their phone, even if they were with someone. I lost count when I got distracted by the fact that couples sitting together would often both be on their phones ignoring each other completely.

In supermarkets, I hear people standing at the ready meals counter asking someone on the phone: 'Do you want pasta or chili for your tea?' - and reading out the ingredients on the packaging. I really want to dig them in the ribs and say: 'Stop wasting time phoning about a microwave meal that will be high in fat and sugar and go home and cook something healthy from scratch, ya daft git! Oh, and buy a few vegetables on your way home, lard-ass.'

Between the ring tones and the idiotic phone chat, trains and buses are just about unbearable. One bit of advice might help: if you have to make or take a phonecall in public, LOWER YOUR VOICE! None of us care what's going on in your life. We're trying to read or just gaze out of the window and  ignore the smell of unwashed bodies. And frankly, from what I can make out, your life is pretty boring. If all you can do is phone, you've definitely got attention deficit disorder - either that or you're too stupid to learn to read.

And I'm sick of parents who say they bought little Torquil (aged 7) a mobile because they want him to be safe. How is he unsafe? He's either in school or at home or being ferried about by mummy and daddy. You think he needs a phone at school? Ask a teacher if phones are a valuable learning aid or just another bloody distraction from the work at hand. 

So where's my phone? Yes, I have one - not an android, just a wee old Samsung. I thought of updating to a Tesco android but got so much conflicting advice on Facebook I decided not to bother. The phone is next to me. It was in my bag till about 30 seconds ago but at least today it's switched on.

And I'll tell you this: the next one of my friends who says 'Sorry, I must take this' when their phone rings as they're having coffee or lunch with me - your phone is going in your coffee.

Oh and that brings me to my other major rant of the day: I was sitting in the car at traffic lights. Left hand lane is for turning left only. Right hand lane is for straight on or turning right. There's no right filter so motorists wanting to turn right usually go up to the next lights (200 metres away) where there is a right filter that lets through, oh, about 3 cars. (Well, this is Glasgow where the council hates motorists despite them providing an annual income of £8.5 million for parking in the Shawlands area alone.) A cyclist - female, young, nae helmet naturally! - overtakes all the cars in the right hand lane to sit at the head of the queue - and sticks her hand out to turn right. She nearly gets mown down by an oncoming car because she's over the white line and she curses the driver roundly. She can't understand why the drivers behind her are outraged at her bad manners. She's got as much right to be on the road as they have - as she tells them, with extra expletives.

Where's my phaser when I need it?