I'm a passenger - get me out of here!

I used to travel by plane a lot when I lived in Islay and then later worked out of Dunoon. In 15 years, I had a lot of diversions: I lost track of the number of times I was diverted from Glasgow to Prestwick due to fog and then driven on a bus past my own house on the way into Glasgow airport to collect my car. But I can remember only two real 'incidents' that might have turned out to be dangerous.

The first was when my plane from Tiree to Glasgow got struck by lightning. The lights went out momentarily before the secondary lighting came on. We seemed to drop several thousand feet, leaving our stomachs somewhere up in the sky. I had been given an 11 year old boy to look after. He was going to Glasgow for more cancer treatment and wasn't looking forward to it. After the pilot's words of wisdom, (along the lines of: 'Sorry about that, folks, just a wee glitch - but we're okay,' the boy said: 'Now that would be really funny!' 'Funny?' said I. 'Yes,' he said, 'if I died in a crash before my treatment!' Said I: 'Do I look like I'm laughing?'

The second incident was coming into Glasgow airport in very high winds. We were on a 'wee' plane (a 35 seater - quite big compared to the 14 seater Loganair planes of the 70s) and got diverted to what the pilot told us would be a 'less blowy' runway. As we landed, a gust of wind forced the port wing tip to the tarmac. Sparks flew and there was a definite wobble but the pilot recovered beautifully and we sailed up to the stand no bother. He checked with us as he shut down the engines:'Everybody okay?' When we assured him we were, he added: 'Right, see you in the bar!'

Laconic is a word that was invented for pilots. Capable is another. Well-trained is a third. Even though I don't like planes (on long haul, I'm the one staying wide awake because it's only my will power that's keeping the plane up there) I trust any pilot to take care of me. They know their routines and they follow them to the letter. It's the only way to be safe. And  let's face it, the pilots don't want to die any more than their passengers do.

So I'm amazed to read the reaction of one passenger who was caught up in 'airborne terror' at Glasgow airport yesterday. Anybody else see this on page 2 of today's Herald? There was an emergency on a BA flight due to a 'technical issue.' Big plane. 160-odd passengers and crew. The pilot and crew took passengers through the landing and evaluation drill, told passengers they would be met by emergency services on the runway and got them in the brace position. In the end , they landed safely and didn't have to use the evacuation chutes. Comment from this numpty: 'I wish we had been told more about what was happening, we should have been told if the crew knew we would land safely.'

Here's my request to any pilot of a plane I'm on: if you need to declare an emergency, please do the safety briefing and then concentrate on what's happening on the dials. Don't bother trying to reassure me. Above all, don't waste time working out our survival odds: Folks, we have a 60-70% chance of getting through this! Just land the fkn plane!

The best part of the Herald's report? 'The aircraft landed safely and the incident was stood down.' Works for me.