Gardyloo!

Let's play a new game. It's called how many objects can you cram into the cubicle of a public toilet - apart from the toilet?

Of course, I can only speak for ladies' toilets, but here goes.

There will be two waste bins, one on either side of the loo. Neither of the bins will be labelled so it is a mystery what they are for and why we need two. Maybe there are bin wars going on, with the manufacturers of toilet bins fighting for supremacy in loos across the land. The main use of these bins as far as I can see is to reduce the space available for people to sit on the toilet, because the bins are usually taller than the actual loo and stick out beyond it.

There will be a hand sanitizer, usually attached to the wall of the cubicle. It will be empty. It probably hasn't been filled since the toilets were installed, so its only use is to stick a few inches out from the wall just where you can bang your elbow on it.

There may also be a toilet brush in a white plastic holder. It's often behind the toilet and, frankly, that's where it's staying. Nothing will persuade me to touch that.

Next to the hand sanitizer will be the toilet roll holder. This is often in the form of a large drum, again sticking several inches out from the wall. It will be very badly designed. It's supposed to allow the user to pull off several sheets of paper at a time but usually it's empty or it's stuck. If it's empty there may be several rolls of paper in the cubicle: one on top of the drum, one on the floor (yuk) and maybe one on top of the toilet. If the drum is stuck, the floor of the cubicle will be covered with wee bits of paper, proof that previous users have tried to coax some paper out of the drum. These will attach themselves to your shoes when you leave, flapping as you walk till some kind person (usually another woman) points them out to you.

Myself I always carry tissues in my bag. If I'm on a trip lasting most of a day, I carry a flat pack of Izal toilet paper just in case. I also carry a sanitizer spray. Yes, I know, it's a bit OCD but I've watched American women try to open a toilet door without using their hands. It's a tribute to their agility that they can reach the door handle with their feet but I'm past that stage myself. And I am all too familiar with the principle of 'hovering' in ladies' toilets and the spray that sends up. Not to mention the tendency of wee girls to dribble on the seat. I'm taking no chances.

Behind the door of the toilet, there may be a coat hook. Storage in toilets is something that isn't given enough thought. Most women need two hooks, one for the jacket and the other for the bag.What the hell do you do if there isn't a hook? Does that floor look clean and pee-free to you? Of course, the hook behind the door may mean that when you hang up your jacket and bag and sit down on the toilet, you may be nose to nose with them. Yes, some toilets are that small (v Fraser's of Buchanan Street).

I'm in two minds about 'public' toilets. They're not public since such a beast no longer exists but are in shops and public buildings, but at least they're there, which is more than you could say twenty years ago - and more than you can say in la belle France even today. As an 'older' woman I'm grateful. On the other hand, I wish I had the cast iron bladder of a former colleague who boasted she had never used a toilet in the school we worked in but always waited till she got home. I am also grateful to whichever member of staff cleans the toilets every day. In supermarkets, I'm told the person who pisses off the boss gets to wave the giant red hand telling customers where the queue is shortest. Maybe the other punishment involves cleaning the 'facilities.'

Actually, I'm in three minds about public toilets because I've been to Japan, where the door to the cubicle opens as you approach it (no hands), the light comes on as you enter (ditto), the seat is automatically sanitized and lowered for you to sit, the toilet paper machine automatically dispenses 2 sheets when you reach for them. The flush works when you wave at it. As does the door. There's also soothing music and perfume scents the atmosphere at regular intervals. I spent quite a lot of time in the toilet in Japan - and I wasn't ill. I just had to avoid the toilets that were flush with the floor. A lot of Japanese women like to squat to pee.

In India, on the other hand, there are more mobiles than toilets. Priorities, huh?