Toot! Toot!

In my working days in Argyll & Bute, I was used to driving long distances on not so great roads. I loved the Portavadie road, and only once had to get off the road to let a tourist go ahead. I met him again at the ferry, where - give him his due - he apologised for tailgating me, explaining he was worried he'd miss the boat. He obviously didn't know where he was or he'd have realised only ferry traffic used the road. I hated the Inverary to Oban road - too many boy racers and a helluva lot of snow in the winter. I regularly did Campbeltown and back to Glasgow in a day, leaving home at 7am and getting back at 10pm, with a day's work in between. The great thing about Argyll is once you get past the Helensburgh turn-off on the way west, you usually only meet local traffic, especially on a Monday morning. Coming back on a Friday afternoon is more of a problem: if you get behind a bus that's fine - the driver has a schedule to keep to; if you're behind a tourist trying to look at the scenery while driving, not so great.

These days, I don't really go anywhere outside Glasgow. Sometimes Kilmarnock but that's another story. Even in Glasgow I can see a problem with the driving. What am I saying? Not a problem - many problems! But when I'm in charge - say, after independence - these will be the rules:

1 If you don't drive between Monday and Friday, you won't be allowed out in your car at the weekend.
2 Anyone on a family outing such as Mother's Day will be required to take a taxi.
3 Failure to use indicators will result in the drivers behind you using their phasers. That'll larn ya.
4 Stopping on a corner to let an elderly passenger out thus blocking two lanes of traffic - ditto.
5 Driving at 15mph on a main road because you can't remember where the hell you booked lunch - ditto.
6 (Kilmarnock only) Tailgating every car on the Glasgow road because you refuse to accept that the speed limit is 30 - 7 years after the limit was reduced - ditto.