January, February

I know some of my friends are eagerly waiting for the snow to start. Some were bitterly disappointed last weekend: they'd got the shovels, sledges, snowboards and skis ready and nothing happened. It's not that I mind snow: now I'm not working, it's all one to me. I've got the cupboards, fridge and freezer stocked, got plenty of books and DVDs and nothing in the diary that can't be cancelled if needs be, so I can just batten down the hatches and wait for March. I'd quite like to get to the book group on Friday, but it's in Thorntonhall close to East Kilbride which is well known as Scotland's very own Arctic.

The weather forecasters are the pits. The ones based in London (BBC, ITV, C4) assume what's forecast for Swindon will be the same for Tobermory. Wales and Northern Ireland never get a mention at all, although I bet the police in Belfast are praying for snow, ice and tempest to get the flag-wavers off the streets. The forecasters based in Glasgow, like STV, imagine what's happening in Coatbridge will apply to Aberdeen. Even the BBC website seems to think what happens in Edinburgh will be the same for the rest of us. I like Windy Wilson's forecasts on Facebook - he's on the east coast and makes this clear from the outset, so if the rest of us want to mention what's happening in our area, Windy will happily accept our reports and post photos.

It's not just the amount of time devoted to these daft forecasts. It's the suspense it puts us all under. Back in the Dark Ages when I worked in Argyll, we used to phone the police at Arrochar to find out if the Rest was open. Not that their report meant much: you could leave Glasgow in the rain and still find a police landrover waiting for you at the Rest to tell you to turn back. Or you could leave Tarbert Loch Fyne in clear weather and end up staying in a hotel in Inveraray because the weather had closed in. And I remember with a smile the director of education who closed all the Argyll schools because snow had made the roads 'impassable.' Cue phone calls from Tiree, Islay and Campbeltown from heidies asking: what snow? If you're working, I reckon you're under enough stress without wild forecasts. 

So what to do? I saw a very good thing on Facebook: a stone tied to a bit of string. If the stone is wet, it's either raining or snowing; if the stone is moving, it's windy; if the stone has disappeared, it's a hurricane. Every bit as accurate as the posh computer projections used by the telly.