Velocity My Arse

This is Tom Shields's column from today's Herald Scotland. I notice Tom's column only appears a few times a week these days. The old boy's obviously getting ready for retirement. Sometimes his column is a bit tired but just occasionally, he plays a blinder - like today.

Glasgow is to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014. And the preparations have already delivered us into the hands of charlatans - otherwise known as PR consultants - as can be seen here. I'm all for people making money out of large public events, but these people are taking the piss.

full speed ahead to the 2014 Games

Tom Shields

Can I have a quick word with you about velocity

Can I have a quick word wi

Velocity is the organisation in charge of commissioning a £300,000 bit of artwork in the east end of Glasgow. Velocity appears in various typographical guises as VeloCity, VELOCITY and velocity. To be old fashioned, we'll call it Velocity.

Contextual targeting label:

home improvement

But what is it? "A collective and cultural response to the impact of the Glasgow 2014 Commonwealth Games on the city and its communities. Velocity is an aspirational approach to partnership working that requires a paradigm shift to re-imagine, repair and reconnect neighbourhoods, communities and the city."

A simpler question: who's behind Velocity? Mainly those two visionary powerhouses Glasgow City Council and Creative Scotland. It doesn't have a chief executive or a director. Velocity is run by a producer. Sounds like the movies so there may be a gaffer and a best boy as well.

Is Velocity doing just the one big bit of artwork? No, it will "bring coherence, a curatorial overview and a consistency of methodology to the delivery of art in the public domain across the city".

How will that be achieved? By "evidence-based intervention through sensitive mapping process". Come again? "Velocity uses the term sensitive mapping to mean its physical mapping process brought together with demographic and social profiling alongside targeted stakeholder and community engagement. Examining the physical and social fabric of a city or an area in this way creates a relevant and authentic approach, a velocity dna that creatively connects people, place, artist and agency to re-imagine, repair and reconnect."

What's on this map? Velocity has divided the city into east, west and south clusters joined by Commonwealth routes which will "provide creative solutions for aspirational transformation". Aspiration in the east end? Yes: "Velocity proposes an east cluster around the single, holistic concept of a Commonwealth Avenue. This concept has the potential to re-imagine, repair and reconnect what would normally be seen as a series of discrete urban issues." There is a problem: "Cultural activity across the east cluster is sporadic."

Where are these quotes from? The Velocity Operational Plan. It uses the phrase "re-imagine, repair and reconnect" a lot. Will they be fixing potholes in Glasgow's roads for the 2014 Games? Probably just the holes on Commonwealth Avenue.