Picture the scene...

The PM throws down his newspaper. 'Bernard', he says. 'Get Sir Humphrey in here. I want to know how this happened!'

'This?' echoes Bernard.

'This!' the PM repeats, stabbing at his copy of the Telegraph. 'Sir Humphrey assured me these Games would be a fiasco. After all, on his advice we didn't finance them - we're still paying for the Olympics, for god's sake - will be till about 2062 by the look of things - we left it to the Scottish lot to meet the costs of these Commonwealth Games they're so keen on. And dammit, they've brought them in on time and on budget. What the hell?'

Sir Humphrey appears in the doorway of the PM's office. 'Yes, Prime Minister?' he asks.

'Who's responsible for this opening ceremony, eh? Probably some leftie Hollywood film maker with too big a budget.'

Sir Humphrey takes a deep breath: 'Not at all, Prime Minister. The director of the opening ceremony of the 2014 Games is a relative unknown. Given the small budget he had to work with - no helicopters, no Queen, no James Bond - he decided to use Glasgow people in all the main roles.'

The PM splutters: 'You're not serious! That bunch of welfare scroungers!'

'Volunteers, Prime Minister. As your Big Society people were meant to be...What happened to them, I wonder? Pretty talented, some of these volunteers. The two Glasgow police officers singing in George Square, for example...'

'Don't talk to me about police officers, Humphrey...too close to home. According to Bernard, two million Scottish people watched this Opening Ceremony and one - just one - London journalist - that idiot woman from the Guardian - has come out against it. The rest are falling over themselves to say how much they loved it, teacakes and all.'

'Prime Minister,' Sir Humphrey draws himself up to his full five foot eight, 'A few things to remember: No matter what happens, the Scots will refuse to believe their opening ceremony could have been any good. Secondly, they'll never win any medals anyway. And best of all, we'll be able use the opening ceremony to plant a few anti-Indy stories.'

The PM smiles: 'Now you're talking, Humphrey!'

'Yes, Prime Minister', says Sir Humphrey, 'Let's begin by suggesting the SNP tried to hijack the ceremony by getting the Red Arrows to change the colours of their smoke trails.'

The PM grins wolfishly: 'And did they?'

'No, of course not, Prime Minister, but I think Gordon Brown has already shown how much tosh we can get the Scottish public to swallow: he's already got them believing they will only get kidney transplants if they stick with the Union.'