I'll go no more a travelling

I know about airport security. I've stood in JFK for an hour when it was on 'lock-down' - nobody move, said the man on the tannoy, and that included pregnant women and the elderly with zimmers - and never yet found out what the hell was going on. I've stood in the rain on the tarmac at Kathmandu airport going through my fifth security check, wondering what the dozens of (dozy) soldiers were for if we needed that many checks. I've queued for hour upon hour at Heathrow security, listening to foreign visitors worrying that they were about to miss their flight home and watching lassies downing the contents of a half bottle of Bailey's in the queue because they'd been told they couldn't take it on to the plane. I've landed at Gatwick from Glasgow on my way to who knows where, been directed outside the security zone and then back inside the same security zone and obliged to go through the whole security rigmarole again for no good reason except airport incompetence. I've watched a fellow traveller in Atlanta Georgia turn pale and sweaty because he had just realised his personal stash of Mary-Jane was about to be discovered by the sniffer dog. I've taken my shoes off in enough places in the USA and wondered why they can't issue us with flip flops because those floors look manky. I've sat in a plane on the tarmac for several hours in - where was it? - Malta? - because a couple confessed to the cabin crew that they had bought lighters to take home to Northern Ireland as presents.

And I'm not doing it any more.

My pal Stuart says the day is coming when we'll only be allowed to travel by  plane if we go through airport security naked and with no luggage so we can be scanned and be shown to be no threat. With the new threat from ISIS, it looks like his prediction is about to come true. Most of your luggage now will be carried on by hand so you can put toothpaste, laptops and mobile phones - among other things - through the scanners.

I look back almost with nostalgia to earlier days of air travel when it was obvious what was banned - and why: 

List of unacceptable items	Lifetime prohibited items (cabin/checked in)
Firearms Knives Scissors (with blades more than 6 cm). Blades that are shorter than 6 cm are always acceptable. Ammunition - all ammunition must be unloaded from the gun and is not allowed to be fired. Hammers Crow bars	Fireworks and fire extinguishers Gunpowders and smoke flares Controlled drugs, and contraband drugs Vehicle airbags Liquid bleach Torch lighters Aerosols which might be more flammable (unless it is urgent) Hand grenades

...although I wonder why anyone would travel with vehicle airbags, crow bars and liquid bleach...

I've visited most of Europe, though sadly not Switzerland or Portugal; I've seen as much of north America as I need to see - Nashville and Memphis come to mind plus the vineyards north of San Francisco and I've enjoyed Quebec, Montreal and Toronto (although I was bored in Ottowa); I've seen the Caribbean; loved - loved - loved - Chile, especially Valparaiso and Patagonia; raved about places like Hong Kong and Singapore and saw what people love about India and Nepal. I've been amazed at South Africa, Mozambique and Swaziland.  I've also had it confirmed for me that Japan is the most amazing place in the world. 

But that is it. From now on, if it's not in Scotland I'm probably not going to be visiting it. Nothing to do with patriotism or nationalism - I just canny be a**e* going through the cairryoan above.  

But good luck to the rest of you.