Job application

Dear Sir,

I wish to apply for the position of Princess of the United Kingdom.

It is quite clear to me what is expected of the holder of this position and while I have worries about being able to wear the 4 inch heels, not to mention the hats that the duchess of Cambridge wears, I believe I am in every other way ideally suited to this post.

I have a good level of education, having one degree and two postgraduate diplomas. I worked from the age of 15 to 60 and paid taxes and national insurance all that time. I am prepared to admit I wasn't always happy to pay up, but I hope my complaining won't be held against me, especially by the royal family who only started paying taxes thirty years ago. And I suspect my grumbling will not be a problem with the duke of Cornwall, who still doesn't pay tax on his earnings from posh duchy biscuits.

I have an impeccable history, and can so far trace my family back to 1837. All of my family were born in the various countries of the UK (which is more than the current house of Windsor can claim) and we are rooted in the agricultural and industrial history of the UK, having come from both good farming stock (although sadly kicked off our land in the West Highlands in the late 18th century) and including several generations of shipyard workers and railway builders. We have no ancestral home to boast of but I have photographs of our tenement room and kitchens in Govan and Springburn, now sadly demolished. These are obviously not as grand as Clarence House, where I believe the duke and duchess of Cambridge are taking up residence.  I have to admit to having an ancestor who died in the poorhouse in Leith around 1880, at the age of 80, because she was too old and infirm to look after herself and none of her 9 children could take on her care. I don't think Queen Victoria had that problem but I feel sure she would have sympathised.

 I have relatives who served in the army and the Royal Navy through several wars. My maternal grandfather was blown up at Gallipoli. I'm afraid this left him with a fairly jaundiced view of the aristocracy and I've often been glad he never met up with Winston Churchill whom he held personally responsible for that debacle. Likewise, while my father thoroughly enjoyed his service in the royal navy, retrieving the bodies of drowned seamen from the Atlantic, he was very eager to join the Labour Party and spent his free time from 1947 onwards trying to oust what he called 'Tory parasites' from government. I think he might be disappointed with our progress in this area.

Above all, I look forward to being able as Princess of the United Kingdom to pass on power and influence to my family. None of them have any qualifications to run the UK, but I feel sure that will not be regarded as a problem in a country that is prepared to accept loonies like Boris Johnston as suitable candidates for government.

I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Jean Nisbet