Have a wee lie down

When I started teaching - 40 years ago - I found the job really tough: weans (and colleagues) I just didn't understand, constant marking, meetings, exhausting after-school clubs (which it was accepted we would all do - it was either that or Saturday footie). I would stagger home to my mother's house at the end of the day, collapse on the couch and whinge: what a terrible day I'd had...how 2D were trying to drive me mad and succeeding...what the PT said...what the heidie wanted us to do...

My mother would be in the kitchen preparing the tea and going 'uhuh' at regular intervals. It took me a while to realise she wasn't actually listening, just going 'uhuh' at regular intervals. It was really all that was required.

After our tea, I'd drag myself to my feet and announce with a sigh that I had to go and do my lesson preparation for the next day. And my mother would utter that deathless phrase:

'Why don't you go and have a wee lie down?'

I would hesitate, purely for the sake of it, and she would add:

'I'll wake you up in half an hour. You'll still have plenty of time to prepare your lessons.'

It worked. I might not have slept for long or even slept at all but I arose refreshed from my wee lie down. That phrase is music to my ears even now. Got a sore head? Have a wee lie down. Had a fight with the boyfriend? Same solution. Kids getting on your nerves? Yep, you've got it.

Of course, Thatcher put paid to the wee lie down. She didn't need more than 4 hours sleep a night (she said) and never admitted to having a wee lie down in her puff, unlike Churchill who lived for his naps. It got to be in the 80s that sleep was for wimps and we all had to go dragging ourselves around in a state of exhaustion rather than admit we were knackered.

Now, I'm glad to say, I'm old enough to have developed some golden rules:

1 Mornings don't exist, so don't phone before midday. A Tesco person phoned me the other morning at 08.18, apparently in response to my email. I think we had a conversation about how to redeem vouchers. I still don't know what he or I said. I still haven't been able to redeem the vouchers.

2 I eat later in the evening (what is it about people who insist on eating at 5pm? Just because your kids ate at that hour when they were wee doesn't mean you have to now) so I am likely to be having a wee lie down about 8.30pm. No cold calls from PPI at that time if you don't mind.

3 If I have insomnia (which I have at this very fkn moment), I reserve the right to have a wee lie down at any time, so you're generally better emailing or messaging me through Facebook.

I would go on but I suddenly feel the need for a wee lie down.