This is a UKIP-free zone

I am declaring myself a UKIP-free zone as of now.

In recent days, I've started switching off the TV and radio as soon as one of their 'spokesmen' appears but still I can't get away from them. Even C4 news is not safe. As for Question Time: has anyone else made as many appearances as Farage on this programme? 15 in 3 years, I'm told. Any Questions is a no go area too along with Any Answers, which will give yet more publicity to these ranting, swivel-eyed morons. And yes, they are xenophobes - that's just a posh word for racist, by the way. They also hate gay people and women and immigrants and - och, you get the picture - they just hate. They play on people's fears and they're dragging the UK down the same path as the right wing racists in France, Hungary, the Netherlands and Greece.

(Even in Scotland I've been told by otherwise sensible people there are 'too many immigrants'. There are in fact 550,000 people in Scotland who were born elsewhere. 470,000 of them are from other areas of the UK. That leaves 80,000 immigrants from other places. And with our age-profile, we need these people.)

At least with the papers I can turn the page. I was asked to do 3 online questionnaires over the election period and all of them were about UKIP. Would I vote for them? If so, who did I vote for before? Why had I changed parties? Who would I vote for in the general election of 2015? And so on. The questionnaires took no notice of the European elections or of the local elections in Northern Ireland. They also managed to ignore the fact that Scotland will be voting in a referendum in September, the result of which may throw the 2015 general election up in the air anyway.

So from now on, it's going to be:

and bad jokes - here are a few to get us started:

1.	Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
2.	I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
3.	I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
4.	It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
5.	I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
6.	I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
7.	The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
8.	My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
9.	Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
10.	To write with a broken pencil is pointless.