Ghastly Asda

The sister is relentless. It doesn't matter that my ankles are swollen from an allergy to Imodium or that I haven't done an ironing for weeks. 'Just put on a top and a perra troosers,' she says. And off we jolly well go to Asda in Govan. The sister is after trousers, shoes - and, well, frankly, anything else that catches her eye in the clothes line, her being a slave to fashion - and Asda being the place to find it. I'm after nothing except maybe 5 x 7 photographic paper. She ends up with 3 pairs of trousers, a pair of jeans, 2 pairs of shoes and a top. I end up with 2 tops and a cardigan. No photographic paper, of course. I'll have to go to Tesco for that next week.

We decide we hate Asda Govan. Myself I just hate Asda. Cheap, nasty food, mostly processed, badly displayed. A poor range of fruit and veg. A cafe that only sells stuff cellophone-wrapped: mostly factory-made muffins and millionaire's shortbread. As far from fresh as you can get. Toilets even I try to avoid (and when I gotta go, I gotta go). Not that Tesco in Silverburn is any better but at least the staff in Asda Govan are civil.

Afterwards, the sister and I repair to Whole Foods in Giffnock for a coffee, just because we can. Yes, I know I'm not allowed coffee at the moment (see Imodium allergy above) but hey, as my mate Jim says: live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse - even if nowadays I can only manage the first of the three.

Why, we wondered, are Asda Govan and Tesco Silverburn so horrible? Is it where they are? Govan? Pollok? Could there really be some kind of postcode thing going on here?

Many years ago when I joined the Children's Panel in Glasgow - Southside Division - I was delighted to find that the reception rooms for parents and young people in Albion Street were nicely furnished with decent seats, subdued lighting and nice toilets. Bad enough your wean is in trouble but at least you  still deserve to be treated like a human being. And it seemed to work. People respected their surroundings.

Maybe there's a hint here for Asda and Tesco. Asda has a huge clothes department upstairs. Mainly the people shopping are women. The men and weans trail after them. I heard one guy today ask plaintively: 'What am ah here fur?' Only to be told: 'Tae push the trolley. Stoap moanin.' There are a few seats in the shoe section, all taken by elderly women (including me) and pissed-off looking men - and none of us are trying on shoes, I have to admit. In the changing rooms, where the sister is trying on at least a dozen different items, not a seat to be seen. I would bag the disabled changing room but a woman comes in in a wheelchair and it would seem churlish to refuse her entry.

Tesco Silverburn is beyond belief. I can see exactly why Tesco's profits are dropping. Nothing in the store is correctly signposted, so you get the impression some madman has decided if they can make you walk round more you'll buy more. Stuff is moved - often - and for no reason that I can see. Things run out and you can never find out when they'll get them in again. And there are never any customer liaison staff to help you - the poor buggers are all stacking shelves. Would I buy clothes in Tesco? Frankly, I'd be embarrassed to be seen in them. Weird colours, odd patterns, utterly random sizes. The mark-up in clothes is fantastic so why do Asda and Tesco both have a problem with their websites where the clothes shown often can't be found in their shops?

When I'm running things, it'll all be different, as I told the sister. She laughed. She does that a lot.