Heaven help me, it's the DVLA

Because I always do the right thing, I've spent days now emailing and lettering (is that a word?) various agencies that I'm moving house: the council (so I can pay them money for my council tax - how stupid am I, eh?), the bank, my insurers, the doctor, the dentist, the TV licensing people, the factor (scuse me while I spit), my wine merchants (beat that, McGoran), the pensions people, Lovefilm, Oxfam, Eastwood Taxis, Scottish Gas. And so on.

So far, the only agency that has threatened me with a fine is the DVLA. Apparently, if I don't tell them my address has changed, I can be fined up to £1,000. (Who comes up with these fines? And why does the government think those of us who have cars are by definition master criminals just waiting to defraud them?) I have in fact been a big fan of the DVLA up till now, ever since I found out I could renew my road tax online - a wonderful system, clear and concise. I even emailed them a testimonial that would get any of their civil servants into heaven any day of the week. But this time, it's no go: updating my address online is not a possibility: I don't have a licence with a photo - yes, I know, dinosaurs are us. Not that the online form tells you that. It just freezes after you've filled it in, so I had to phone a friend who said she'd been in the same position and you need to get a form from the post office.

Got the form today. Believe me, if you need an honours degree to fill in the 5-page council tax form, you definitely need to be PhD level to complete the DVLA form. It seems you have to send in your passport, not a photocopy or a facsimile. Okay, get the passport out. No, wait, you can sign here and put in your passport number and they'll check your details with the passport office. But you still need a photo and, hang on - is that four forms of ID? No, surely not! Even the post office only ask for three when you try to pay them to re-direct your mail, as I also found out today. If you plan to have your mail re-directed, you need to have utility statements with your address on them. No, of course it doesn't say that on the form! And no, I don't have paper statements - I do everything online and the online statements don't have my address.

So I go back to the start of the DVLA information pages (two A4 pages, let me tell you, each new paragraph more complicated than the one before) and I read it all again. Maybe you just need to send back the form, a photo and your old driving licence. Easy. No, wait: on the envelope provided to send in your documentation, it is written: 'Please write correct DVLA address and postcode as shown on your licence application.' Read the application again. No DVLA address and postcode. Read the instructions again. Nothing. Find a letter on file from the DVLA and hope the address and postcode given are right. Post the form anyway and hope for the best.

If you don't hear from me in the next three weeks, you may take it I'm rotting in some DVLA dungeon - or in the sheriff court on a charge of attempted murder of the minister of transport...who is that, by the way? Just asking.